My mechanical expertise, having been finally recognized by your editor, seems to be in demand. I have been asked to submit a technical article for publication in the Maine Porsche News (This is the local PCA newsletter for the Down East Region). I have chosen a subject which is dear to my heart, the exsanguination of dirty motor oil and the subsequent infusion of clean Mobil One.
- Medicate before the pain. As I just celebrated my 50th birthday, I have begun to apply this philosophy to all aspects of my life, but none so critical as automotive maintenance. If you're going to be lying on a hard concrete floor it is best to prepare in advance. At a minimum, I would suggest a brace of Advil quickly followed by a shot or two of a decent single malt scotch.
- Open the hood. While this may seem obvious, it is amazing how often this critical detail can be overlooked. And you want to open it slowly. The last thing you need is some squirrel or spider jumping on your face while your hands are full with a glass of scotch and wrenches. Use caution here.
- Drain the crankcase. There should be a large bolt near the bottom of the engine dedicated to this purpose. But if you can't find it, just start backing out all the bolts you see until oil starts running from the engine. Step back and have another glass of scotch. When the gushing stops, tighten every thing you have loosened and congratulate yourself on a job well done.
- Remove the oil filter. If you have an assortment of wrenches designed for this task, you're still out of luck. None of them will fit, and the one that does will not have enough clearance to be used effectively. You'll need a small sledge hammer and a long screwdriver. Using the hammer, impale the filter with the screwdriver and unscrew it. I'm pretty sure that counter-clockwise will do the trick. Installation is the reverse, minus the hammer and screw-driver.
- Refill the crankcase. This is where real skill comes into play. If the whiskey hasn't gotten your hands shaking by now then perhaps you should consider seeking medical assistance. However, if your confidence still remains high, mask off the entire engine compartment leaving ONLY the oil filter neck exposed, and carefully refill with five quarts of Mobil One oil.
- Start the engine and check for leaks. I suggest that you skip this step. Your best bet is to go to bed now and worry about it in the morning.
I hope this guide has proven useful to all you 944 owners in Maine (and everywhere else). This advice is the distillation of several decades of experience and it has been my pleasure to share with you.
[Picture Source: Eric's '86 944 page]